y-talks

before the coffee shop I am currently sitting in, I was at a different coffee shop with t talking about crushes. how exciting they are, and like many people have said, how necessary they are. at first, its just a look, maybe a smile, then its a piece of information that reinforces your liking over them.

inner monologue: “wow, look at how they wonder around, they’re so curious about the world… just like me”

thats a bit egotistical. crushes are in a way all about us. how We feel around them. how they make Us feel ourselves. how they act like Me. it is all about us, huh? or maybe i am self-centered. true.

anyways. crushes. crush. do they like me? they just ate my half eaten wing, that must mean something. the laws of nature and social norms is on my side of the argument, though. when you feel comfortable, you eat after someone. okay that must comfort that doesnt mean liking BUT social norms backs me up further. imagine this: there is a person that you see often and they are of the opposite sex and they are also single. they have somewhat a similar sense of humor and similar interests, we do share friends. they are somewhat attractive… attractive enough to be around other attractive people (isnt that how it works?). they ate most of their wings but they have a few left. you take their wings and even take the half eaten one. that means on some level there is a least a sliver of interest on a human level. but theyre funny? pretty? me? t and others reacted to them eating my left over wings — yet another thing reinforcing my delusion.

s talks about casual sex. how I should try it, actually. I want to, and then I think about everything that leads to it and i feel incapable of reeling in the fish. I have things in my fishing box to act as bait, usually they work on all the wrong kind of people. its like im fishing in this ocean (gosh this is sounding so cringe), and im using my best bait to attract the best (my kind) of fish and its fish i dont like. am I only capable of catching those fish? is that what kind of bait I have? this is harder than i thought, and a lot more humbling. im not entirely sure what it means or if it means anything. i surely interpret it as a sign that there is a certain level of quality that I dont have access to.