The past couple of days have been filled with conversation with all sorts of people. The length of these conversations vary, along with the content of what is being talked about. The content of what is being talked about is not even very different from the conversation I have in daily life outside of this specific environment. The focus is a lot more intentional for me at the moment. Intentional isn’t even the right word. The focus is a lot more intense for me in this environment because that is my sole focus. Conversations.
I have had a a few conversations that have stood out to me enough for me to feel a burning urge to immediately take out my phone, open up my notes app, and type quick buzz words so I remember enough key concepts, ideas, thoughts, etc. of the conversation to write about later or to simply look back and remember.
K sat next to me at a park bench and I nervously said hallo knowing that once I said it it would become obvious I didn’t speak the language. Funny how I’m judging myself for not speaking a language. Anyways, I ended up telling him about taking a break from school and he said something along the lines of “good for you,” which is exactly what it is. Good for me. It feels nice when people validate decisions that you make, especially ones that you often criticize. The criticism comes from these rules that I have allowed to at times guide the way I judge my decisions and all that comes along with it. Good for me. There is no timeline, I have my whole life to figure it out. I get tossed between that thought process and one that judges it. Not the opposite, just a judgement of that thought. A mere reflection of the thought. I have my whole life to figure it out and am I irresponsible for having that mindset? Where does that rule come from? The expectation of being responsible and responsibility meaning having your shit together. Having your shit together means accomplishing things. Well isn’t that what I’m doing? Aren’t I accomplishing things? Things can be anything. It can be doing this. I get whiplash just thinking about it.
The smell of weed was of course the instigator of this other conversation I had yesterday with two girls who work the hostel yesterday. Somehow we went from weed legislation in Germany to linguistics. The content itself was interesting but what really resonated with me was the driving force of ideas like freedom and curiosity. That is not new to me necessarily. I value driving forces like freedom and curiosity in many of my relationships. I think the fact that most of what I am doing here is focused on conversation reminds me of how this all relates to my life.
Life can be viewed as cyclical, as it was/is in indigenous cultures. J who also works at the hostel mentioned this. How we as modern humans see life as very linear. This happens and, then that happens. It’s a bit isolated. He said he likes to look at life like a cycle, all coming back to each other. I resonate with this a lot and once he said it I was immediately able to see how my life experiences have been cyclical. All things affecting another and coming back to each other and maybe happening again in a different way. It might not make much sense written out like this, but I promise j and I are up to something. Not that we invented that idea.
J also talked about the difference between saying, “it’s being a rock” vs. “it’s a rock.”
Everything is being, nothing just is. It’s simple, yet extremely powerful. It makes everything feel like it has a purpose. The rocks purpose is being a rock. It’s not there for our pure enjoyment, it’s being a rock. Doing what rocks do. Whatever that is. I’m being a human. Being is characterized by the things we do. If I say I’m a human, it just ends there. It’s limited. It doesn’t recognize the active nature.
I admire J for thinking the way he does. I’d like to think I do too. I remember from our conversation I said I have stop saying sorry, and he, of course, questions whether I have to or want to. I want to. That feels like less of a burden than I have to. That feels like there’s a rule in place and I’m violating it. But really, I just want to. I want to stop saying sorry so much.
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